I have worked in the mental health field for over 15 years. I have worked with a range of clients from different socioeconomic, racial, and ethnic backgrounds. What I have noticed, especially with working with women is that most of them report not having a good relationship with their mothers. They report feelings of being unloved and being constantly criticized by their mothers.

As young girls, we look to our mothers for approval and acceptance. We are impressionable, especially when it comes to how we look in our mother’s eyes. If we perceive that our mothers are loving and attentive toward us, then we gain a sense of security with ourselves, even a sense of worthiness of being loved and accepted. However, if we perceive our mothers to be unloving and inattentive toward us, then we risk gaining a good sense of worthiness and security with ourselves. It’s beginning to be a common thing that I see when I am seeing clients, especially women. Despite their socioeconomic or ethnic background, they all report the same life issues (i.e. low self-esteem, lack of trust, difficulty setting boundaries, etc.), and trace it report back to their poor relationship with their mother. There may be other factors that may have contributed to some of these life issues. I think that it is important to note the idea of perception. If I feel my mother didn’t love me, whether she really did or not, I am going to respond and behave based on my perception. It is important to mention that some things may be subjective and others objective with explaining what actions constitute a mother being loveable and attentive versus not. I am assured that a mother’s love is something us women strive for deeply. It is when we do not think we have our mother’s love that it leads to issues with our sense of self. 

As young girls who have based our sense of worth on our interactions with our mothers, we ultimately grow up into young adult women who still hold tight to childhood images of our self-worth based on our relationship growing up with our mothers. This view of ourselves; however, not only stay within us but also tends to bleed over into our relationships with others, especially our romantic relationships. We have low-self-esteem within ourselves and make questions and comments like “what do I have to give,” “who am I for someone to love me…. I couldn’t even get my own mother to love me.” I think we also exhibit lack of trust in ourselves and others. We make comments like “they must be cheating on me…. but maybe they are not…. but they must be cheating because I just don’t think I am good enough…” Difficulty setting boundaries also comes up with these women who report not having a good relationship with their mothers. These women end up trying to please. By trying to be a “people pleaser,” these women often put their wants and needs to the side just to be able to make sure the other person in the relationship is alright. 

Again, it is important to mention that there could be other factors involved in women’s lives that can contribute to feelings of low self-esteem, lack of trust, or even difficulty setting boundaries. However, from what I have seen working with these different women, I am assured that a mother-daughter relationship is extremely important to a woman’s self-image, ability to trust, and her ability to set boundaries. 

Since I spend a good amount of my time working with women who report not having a good relationship with their mother, I want to spend the next blog or two talking more about this mother-daughter relationship as well as what these women can do going forward. 

Drop me a line, I would love to hear what you think?

With Love

Reese

Don’t forget to visit me at famecoachingandconsulting.com